Talking to Children About Helping Others
By Dr. Renee Cherow O'Leary
Conventional wisdom says that children are focused on themselves. In many ways this is true because children are forming their own identities and have a less developed sense of what is “me” and what is “the other.” Yet even in early childhood, children often exhibit a kind of empathy. They cry when they see another cry, they try to comfort a friend who has a “boo-boo” and they cuddle and express love with a sibling. They are learning how to care. They learn to care by being cared for, which they see experience with their families. Young children up to the age of 3 can understand and apply ideas like “help,” “share,” “cooperate,” “hug,” “thank,” “be kind,” and “be fair," in their lives.
By age 4, children experience a new awareness of the world around them. They see and are often moved by and ask questions about poverty, homelessness, “mean people,” and loss or death of a loved one. Children at 4 or 5 are starting school experiences as well, if they have not already been in preschool, and they have to learn how to get along with others in group settings. This age is an optimal time for developing in children the ability to be caring instead of careless of others. And this can be done through recognizing that children need concrete examples not lectures that can show them close-up how caring and helping can make a difference.
Academic research suggests numerous ways that parents, teachers and caregivers can support children’s natural curiosity and kindness. Nel Noddings, a noted researcher on caring behavior, says that “caring is not something you are, but something you engage in, something you do with every interaction.” Noddings focuses on what she describes as Themes of Care. These give us guidelines for areas where we can reinforce caring in the life of a child.
Caring for Oneself — Eating healthy food, getting comfortable sleep, keeping yourself clean, dressing yourself, caring for your room, etc.
Caring for Close Others — Being thoughtful with your parents, siblings, neighbors, grandparents
Caring for Distant Others — This can be a wonderful way to understand about the environment or people who live far away who might have had a “bad” thing happen to them that might be a flood, fires, etc. This is more appropriate for older children who may hear stories in the news about events. They must also be comforted and the events explained but children can be sensitive to the fact that other children might need help, even if they don’t know these children. (An example of this could be collecting for UNICEF on Halloween for the needs of children in other countries.)
Caring for Animals and Caring for Plants – When a child takes care of a living thing, they see how much impact their caring can have. Children can identify what a plant or an animal needs and when they can provide this, they can see immediate benefit. Their care produces results.
Caring for Objects — This can include caring for another’s toy so it does not get broken, caring for the earth by recycling, and folding laundry so that the family can have clean clothes.
Caring for Ideas — A child, for example, may need to have disabilities of others explained to them—what does it mean to be deaf or have asthma, for example? What does it mean to be a friend in these situations or others? A child may need to understand (in child’s terms, of course) the idea of democracy—that people can vote for something and that the majority rules. These are complex ideas but they help a child understand concepts that lead to caring and sharing.
Children can and should be taught about giving, helping, and being kind from a very early age. Studies show that these traits, learned as children, carry over into adulthood in terms of generosity, philanthropy and volunteering. Learning about these ideas in childhood sows the seeds of awareness in children and helps them understand the world is wide and we all can take part in making a difference.
Dr. Renee Cherow O’Leary
President, Education for the 21st Century
Dr. Renee Cherow-O’Leary is President of Education for the 21st Century, a consulting firm in New York City where she is involved in the design of educational frameworks and materials that reach children, parents and teachers. Renee is the former Director of Research for the Children’s Television Workshop (Sesame Workshop) Magazine Group. She is also a professor of teacher education at Columbia University’s Teachers College and is working on a book on the changing nature of childhood and schooling in the 21st century.