Why Rewards Don’t Always Work

Most parents want their children to be generous and caring toward others. To foster this behavior, it can be tempting to reward them with excessive praise or special treats. The difficulty is that children may continue these good deeds only as long as the expectation of some external "prize" exists and may stop the behavior when no such incentive is offered. They miss the opportunity to experience the good feelings that come innately from being kind; it is this intrinsic motivation that defines a true generosity of spirit.

Below are some specific things you can do to inspire your children to be kind from the "inside out":

• Modeling is one of the most powerful ways parents can influence their children. Do your behaviors and attitudes reflect the same approach to others that you want your children to exhibit? Let your children know when yousend a get-well card to a cousin or contribute to a food drive.
• Talk about your feelings when you lend a helping hand to someone: "I'm so glad that we could watch Jordan so her mommy could go to the doctor. You could tell by her big 'thank you' how much she appreciated it."
• Have them assist you when you take the mail to a neighbor who is ill or prepare a meal for a friend who has a new baby. Make giving to others something you do together. 
• When you see your children being generous, point it out and praise them. Put into words the positive feelings they may have as they aid others. For example, you might say to your child who helps his sister find a misplaced toy, "That was really kind of you to stop playing your game to look for your sister's toy. You can feel proud of yourself for being so thoughtful."
• Create opportunities for your children to give to others. Focus on the good feelings that accompany giving, even if the child only offers one item.  Rather than sharing things that are nearanddear to them, help them to select toys that are less precious. "When Sean comes over, you can put Teddy away. Let's find toys that you want to share."
• Remember that when you say kind things to your children, you are modeling how to express a generosity of spirit. By filling their self-esteem and "good feelings bank," they have more to give to others. "The way you greet me with such a big smile makes me feel so happy inside."

We can encourage and build upon children's innate desires to do the right thing by recognizing kind behavior. Rather than having a goal of receiving a "gold star," your children can learn that the good feelings that come from giving are the best reward of all. You can shift their perspective from a more self-centered attitude of "what's in it for me?" to a sincere and altruistic approach to helping others.